“Peace I leave with you; My peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.”
I read that scripture on Sunday during communion. God’s been having me study about peace, mainly because of our transition, etc. but little did I know I would need to have reached some sort of pinnacle of peace before last night, June 29th.
God shows me a lot through visions and dreams, but one thing I didn’t fully see coming is what I found out when we returned home from our community group.
My oldest sister was on the phone, quite solemn and somber, so I figured I should give her space. She called me to sit down and had a sternness in her voice that I haven’t heard since childhood. I still wasn’t fully assessing what’s going on but after a few stubborn moments, I sat down as I began to talk to our mother. That’s when I got the news.
My beloved grandpa, Mr. Clarence Scott, Sr., just moved to heaven.
Yeah, I knew the day would come; after all, he was just four months shy of his 100th birthday, yet the wretchedness of pain pierced my heart anyway.
Through her pain and grief of losing her first love and childhood bestie, my mama kept reiterating to me that I needed to be okay because I’m carrying her grand and she’s right. Lord knows I believed her news, but my heart was aching, not just for me but for her and her remaining siblings, and others who were fortunate to have known and loved my grandpa.
I’m not really sure why I’m sharing this degree of vulnerability, but I sensed it necessary.
Death.
You’re never prepared for someone’s passing, no matter how many decades he, or she, has lived on this earth. Yet, it happens, and you’re going to experience a range of emotions that will probably be uncommon to you. Unfathomable sadness, disbelief, anger, hatred, joy, peace, despair, distress, brokenness to name a few. I know I have felt all of these and more–and God’s not mad at me for it. Grieve and mourn in whatever way you should; we just can’t remain there.
I can’t even say that I’ve fully accepted what has transpired yet at the same time, I remember telling someone the night before, “It is well with my soul.”
I may not have been revealed this in a dream or vision as usual, yet God in all of His mercy, grace, and wisdom, was steadily preparing me for this moment. He knew that even with all the faith in the world–if I weren’t already yielding to the superimposing peace of Jesus Christ that He’s given unto me–I would have fallen apart at the seams, and I’m not sure how that would affect baby’s health.
Yet, somehow, as I’m reminded of how robust and hearty Grandpa was before his last years, the conversations we’ve had, the blessing he imparted upon me before I returned to college and got married, I’m at peace. He’d desire that I continue, strongly, for the sake of my family, and especially the baby I’m fortunate enough to be carrying–due almost a month after his birthday.
God loves me enough to have me focus on receiving, believing, and abiding in peace that surpasses all understanding, understanding joy and its staying power versus happiness and how it is contingent upon life’s happenings. Trust me, I’m not at all pretending to have it all together because you best believe He’s holding me tightly in His loving embrace.
I don’t know when this hole I feel in my heart will have manifested healing, but I know I must continue to press on. There’s a lot of living for me to do and I trust God will continue to strengthen me for the journey ahead.
Although I’m going through my own pains and moments of tragedy, my dear reader, if you are experiencing some moments of despair, please don’t hesitate to reach out to us via the contact page or info@CandaceAJones.com because we want to pray and stand with you. Together, we win!
Love always,
